How your personal pain can reveal your personal style
I have thought about writing this post for some time now. There are many
reasons I have not wanted to write it mainly because I have been afraid of
being "too" vulnerable and for the reason that what I am about to
share might be misinterpreted. However, all of those reasons seem insignificant
now as what I have discovered opened my mind to an entirely new way of helping
people identify their personal style- by helping them identify and relieve
their pain. What on earth does pain have to do with personal style you may ask?
Trust me. A TON.
A number of years ago I went through a friend breakup. Ever been through one
of those? Not fun. My friend and I had a close connection for a number of
years. She knew about my hopes and dreams, my business challenges and
vulnerabilities and I hers. We offered each other support and encouragement.
At some point I started to notice things that made me a bit uncomfortable. I
noticed that she started imitating me in different ways. At first it was
subtle, like her desire for the same purse that I had (no big deal, right?) and
signing up for the same design classes. Over time my concern grew as she began
imitating my designs and selling them as hers and then she offered to buy my
business. We had a conversation about it. She explained her behavior by saying
that I was her "inspiration" and it was because of that she had been
led to design the same things and want a similar business. She meant no harm.
For many reasons I chose to end that friendship. What became clear to me was
that my friend did not understand the difference between inspiration and
imitation. Because of this our relationship would always be based on comparison
which would eventually lead to competition. If I had something she desired, she
would do what she needed to do to get it, even if that meant betraying my
trust.
Here is thing, as I have said before and we all recognize, we have so many
opportunities to compare ourselves to others at this point in history.
When we use comparison (what everyone else has, what they look like, etc) as a
tool to discover our personal style or our life direction, we will always end
up imitating them. Why? Because we imitate what we focus on. The key to
understanding our own unique style is looking inside first.
I used the pain of betrayal as a mirror to look inside myself and mediate on
some tough questions. What did I have that was so valuable it was worth
imitating? Did I not value my unique design or what I had built with my
business? Through these questions I discovered that in some ways I had not
valued myself enough or what I had built because I too had used comparison as a
measuring stick of success often feeling like I came up short when I looked at other
business owners around me. Consequently, I did not honor myself and work at the
level I should have. I also reconsidered my own style. If comparison created
insecurity, how could I identify what I really wanted my style to be? What did
I really love? I dug deep and recognized desires that had always been inside me
but had gone unnoticed as I was distracted by the style or trend of the moment.
I took action and gave myself permission to dress the way I wanted regardless
of what others thought.
As an image advisor and professional stylist, I tell my clients that if you
want to discover your true self the first step is to throw out your fashion
magazines, unsubscribe from fashion blogs and sit with yourself for a while.
Totally unsexy answer, I know, but it truly is the only way. The problem comes
when we spend our entire life looking at what everyone else has and then
wanting what they have instead of looking inside ourselves and asking what we
want. Focusing on what others have and then trying to take that or create that
for ourselves comes from a place of comparison and competition which will
ultimately lead to jealousy. Comparison will often make us feel like we don't
measure up and when unchecked it can create pain. When we do the work of
identifying our places of pain and insecurity, it will make room for us to
focus more clearly on what we love and what we have been uniquely wired
for.
That experience with my friend taught me so much. I see a much bigger picture
and process to helping others create the style they want and have learned how
to be aware of the trap of comparison in my own life. It has been essential to
helping me clarify what I want and love.
Does this story sound familiar to you? How have you dealt with comparison in
your own life? How does that translate to your style? Would love to hear your
thoughts!
